Avoid Criticism

Hello Weekend Attitude Adjustment Community!

Will you join me in a new challenge this week-end?  Do you or others think that you are “too critical”? Do you avoid people because of their constant criticism of you? Are you ready to focus your attention on your internal and external communication patterns this weekend and maybe for the next 30 days?

This may sound like  too much “work”, especially for the weekend.  However, it could be fun, really!

If you are ready to play - read on…

For an effective communication strategy and to avoid giving criticism, think – divide and conquer!

That is, separate observation from evaluation.

According to Marshall Rosenburg, Ph.D., author of Non-Violent Communication, A Language of Compassion, “when we combine an observation with an evaluation our words can be heard as criticism.”

Mixing our observations and evaluations is a recipe for disaster. The more we mix our observations with our evaluations of another person’s behavior, the less likely that person is going to be open to us. They will probably be less open to hearing our words, empathizing with our feelings or being receptive in any way to our intended message.

“We need to observe what we are seeing, hearing, or touching that is affecting our well being without mixing in evaluation,” said Rosenburg.

This is why it’s important to keep your observations specific to time and context. If you choose to utilize this language skill, you will increase the chances of conveying your message to the listener in the way in which you intended, and not as criticism. Below are some examples of observations and evaluations:

EXAMPLE #1:
Observation and evaluation mixed together: “She won’t get her work in.”
Observation separate from evaluation: “She has a great amount of work and less than 2 days to complete it. (Observation) I don’t know if she will get her work in.” (Evaluation)

EXAMPLE #2:
Observation and evaluation mixed together: “You are late.”
Observation separate from evaluation: “I see that you were not here at 9:00 a.m.” (Observation only)

Following these tips can help you separate your observations and evaluations:
 Be aware of when you generalize – using words like always, never, ever, whenever, etc.
 Don’t mix what you see with your opinion
 Be aware of labels, especially negative labels – lazy, stupid, brainy, egotistical, etc.

Even when we label someone by their socially accepted title we could be evaluating. For example, calling someone a “cook” can be considered an evaluation according to Rosenburg. The following stanza from a poem by Ruth Bebermeyer explains it this way,

“I’ve looked as hard as I can look
but never ever seen a cook;
I saw a person who combined
ingredients on which we dined,
A person who turned on the heat
and watched the stove that cooked the meat -
I saw those things but not a cook. Tell me, when you’re looking,
Is it a cook you see or is it someone doing things that we call cooking?”

I recommend a practice run in seeing how many evaluations or judgments you make in a particular situation. This weekend when you go to the mall, grocery store or any other public setting, observe how many “evaluations” you make over a 15-minute period. Does it make you wonder if the number of evaluations/judgments made during this period makes you an extremely judgmental person, average or below average? Think about how many evaluations you make when you are not making a conscious effort to pay attention to your evaluations/judgments.

Expand this practice run to a 30-day trial of actually speaking from observation without mixing in evaluation. Practice articulating observations separate from evaluations. Try this in both your personal and professional life.

The Indian philosopher J. Krishnamurti once remarked that observing without evaluating is the highest form of intelligence. Remember, the goal is not to ever have an evaluation. The goal is to separate your evaluation from your observation. With this in mind, you will be able to effectively communicate your message, which will be a win-win situation for you and the listener.

Please send us your results. It will be fun to share how this intentional effort benefits you and others!

Until next time… I remain or appear to remain…

Joyfully yours,

Mary Elizabeth

Celebrate Life’s Precious Moments

It’s that time of year again! Time to celebrate the benchmarks of life; you probably have a calendar filled with invitations to weddings, communions, graduations, bar mitzvahs, and birthdays. One  year we had 3 – (always a magic number), 3 graduations in the same weekend in two different parts of the country, both requiring travel.  And during our struggle to determine how we would financially and physically be able to attend each one I began to consider the significance of each of these events. It is an opportunity to honor and celebrate accomplishment, a time to acknowledge a coming of age. Graduations are only one of many of the mile markers in our lives. Graduations also symbolize endings and beginnings.

The first is grammar school. You remember the days when you were on the top of the world. You were an “eighth grader”. Life was all about being cool and having fun. After all you ruled the school, you were an eighth grader. It was a great year. Your biggest responsibility as you prepared to launch into your teen years was to take the constitution test and get accepted into the same high school as your best friend. Soon however you would be thrust back to the bottom rung of the social ladder. In just 3 short months you would again be starting over – as a freshman.

The next graduation on our list is high school. Life was all about being cool and having fun. Are you beginning to see a pattern here? The stakes have gotten a little higher, the choices a bit more liberating. Now the responsibilities carried more weight. Decisions about college vs. working vs. marriage, vs. all 3 (there’s that number again). Where your best friend is going matters, but not as much, suddenly every decision seems to start or end with the words, “for the rest of your life”.

Finally it’s college. Where life once again has been about being cool and having fun, these after all are the final days. Soon you will be an adult, working in the adult world, with “grown-up” responsibilities. Your best friend might not even live in the same state as you do anymore. It’s time to think about “career moves”, financial status and settling down with someone to share “the rest of your life”. Soon you will begin again, on the bottom rung of your first corporate job. For what you hope is the last time –you will be the new kid on the block, because now you are ready to “get on with your life”.

Funny how beginnings and endings continue throughout our lives, even when we think they have ended. Remember being the “the up and comer”, “the one to watch”, “the rising star”. Then there was the newly-wed, the first time parent, and the new homeowner. Suddenly and before we know it, we become the grandparents, the empty nesters, the retired community.

Yes, life is full of beginnings and endings. It is important that with each one we stop and celebrate. The celebrations are what we will remember. Be sure you find a way to celebrate life’s most precious moments. Celebrate this weekend. Mark the moment.

Be sure to share with our community your thoughts on beginnings and endings. How are you marking the precious moments in your life? Click on the comments box below and share your thoughts, wisdom, experience!

And until next time I remain…

Joyfully yours,

Mary Elizabeth

Your Tool Kit

April has arrived. Did you feel like winter was never going to end? It just seemed we had been cold forever. Maybe that’s because I kept flying back and forth to Chicago where I think winter is going to last forever! This past weekend when I was there I was greeted by freezing rain, danced some with a major snow storm and left behind a grey sky and more rain. That type of weather calls for some special tools to help with your Weekend Attitude Adjustment- and a good raincoat.

Yes, that is this week’s topic. What is in your tool kit when it comes to adjusting your attitude?

My weekend started out at an airport filled with small children traveling with their families. Not that this is a bad thing mind you. It’s only bad when I’m traveling. It’s why I try to stay w/Tuesdays or Wednesdays as my departure and arrival days. But I digress.

So here I am in the airport and there are car seats and extra luggage and children w/back packs and games and dolls and – you get the picture. Getting myself through security these days is enough to whack out my attitude. I can’t imagine what you do when you are attempting to move 2 or 4 little ones through – that‘s a question for the Weekend Attitude Adjustment Community – what do you do? How do you keep your attitude positive when moving children through the security gates at the airport?

Here is how I did it. I noticed a woman putting her baby in the bin. The baby was all bundled in pink and looked really cute in that grey bin. She was sitting up, smiling and giggling. I thought to myself, I wonder how the TSA screener who looks through that little monitor is going to respond – computer, purse, shoes, baby, BABY!

So I asked the TSA agent who was screening my boarding pass. I just mentioned that I didn’t realize we had to put babies in the bins these days. He quickly turned around with such a look of panic – okay it was really sort of funny. It was especially funny because the mom removed the baby from the bin just as the agent was about to jump up and shout stop. I’ve been told that in comedy, timing is everything!

I’m not saying we should pick on TSA agents. After all, they are faced with a very challenging job and talk about having to keep your Attitude Adjusted. Can you imagine having to put up with comedians like me all day? However, just noticing what’s around you, adding a little innocent curiosity or new perspective, flavoring it with the spice of humor and suddenly you just might find yourself and others cracking a smile or bursting out in laughter. There are several tools: simply noticing, curiosity, a different perspective and humor. What tools are in your tool kit?

Think about it for a moment. Those who like to cook have great cooking utensils. They pride themselves on having the finest set of knives. They have researched them, tested them out and finally decided on the very best ones. And when it comes time to prepare their specialty – those knives that have been safely tucked away are gently taken out and used. Those knives help the cook to create a great meal and more.

How about garden tools to the gardener or automotive tools to the mechanic? Treasured and treated with love. All so these masters are better able to do the thing they love to do because of their tools!

What are your Weekend Attitude Adjustment tools? How well do you care for them? Is it traveling on off days? Looking for the humor in a situation? Getting enough sleep or eating healthy?

This weekend as you are working on the car, digging in the garden or preparing for that special dinner party, take a moment to consider your tools, and then consider your Attitude Tools. Send us a quick comment on what you discovered in your Attitude Adjustment Tool box!

Until then I remain…

Joyfully yours,
Mary Elizabeth